Dreams

I realized that things weren't easy when i perceived that dreams aren't for everyone. And there will always be people who'll be acting like you're the culprit and you're the one who just should've worked more to make your dreams come true. 

But what do you do when you keep trying but still are not recognized at all? THIS is where we can see that things aren't, definitely, as smooth as people try to make us think it is. 

Is almost like guilty tripping are their favorite way of showing that they think "you're good, but not enough so... do better"

And, it gets me so bad like, the thing i love the most genuinely has the power to make me the saddest and the happiest person ever

All at the same fucking time

 

And it makes me feel completely stunned but also, i hate it. I genuinely hate every time i need to get up and feel like i'm completely trapped and smashed by every thought about my dreams. 

 And the fact that i don't know if i'll ever reach ANY, i mean ANY of them. Even the dumbest and littlest ones. 

(now you can read only the bold words)

 i feel like i've been using the word "genuinely" just too much in this text. And maybe i really am, but i think you can get me: i don't know if there's a more truthful feeling than the fear of the future coming from a person that just got "knowledged" as a young adult or anything like it.

Because the truth is: i think about it all the time I have the opportunity to do so. like, every single time.

Then we have that meme "Inside of me there are two wolves: one that... and the other that..." and here we are:

1. My two wolves are constantly fighting each other 

2. One of them seems to be winning 

And definitely isn't the optimistic one.

 

Now that we have proper presentations, we can really say which of the wolves are: 

one of them, obviously, is the one who feels completely optimistic and are constantly thinking that we still can do it, that it isn't a lose battle and that "dreams don't die as we get older" so i shouldn't be so pressed into doing it fast

the other one is the "i'm FUCKED" and should just give up, i'm old for this, i will never succeed and need to start searching for something different to do or i'll be poor, frustrated and still sad because i fought harder than everything to turn out into nothing because i'm an untalented bitch that shouldn't even have tried anyways.

The funniest about the "i'm too old for this" part is that i just turned 19. 

So, at this point we can just say that i'm trying to find excuses so i give up and stop dreaming about it. And i actually even tried to kill it inside me. 

But i realized that it's way harder than i think

So, i finish this blog listening to Stray Kids saying "you're doing well" and i can't agree with them. I'm definitely not doing well in life, but thanks for the comfort though.   

 

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