moony crying

 믿다.   It means: "to believe" in Korean. And, it's also something I nurture a deep difficulty when it comes to actually doing it - especially when it comes to myself. Korean is one of the languages I started since the first day of my life. Since I actually discovered how much I loved languages back in 2020 and, one of those I'll probably never actually achieve fluency.  It's okay, I'm not that bitter about it (not anymore, at least). When I started writing this, back in October, i was still figuring out the fact I had extreme problems with executive dysfunction. Hey, hello ADHD! And that maybe that's why i won't achieve fluency in Korean. Maybe that's why I won't restart learning Finnish and, no pun intended, finish at least a single textbook in it. I still know how to count. Yksi, Kaksi, Kolme, Nelja, Viisi... or even 하나, 돌, 세, 네, 마섯. Counting up to 10, counting up to 5 and still never quite understanding the fact it was supposed to calm me do...

Once upon a time, in one of those days I actually can't remember, I saw someone saying something that didn't feel real ( I didn't want to acknowledge it) and it was all about the fact that they say that "you are born an artist, you won't just become one." I think I'm kinda one of them. Honestly, there's nothing that i hate more than that.  But, in the end, this is not even what i want to talk about today. Because is the second day where I'm trying to write this text and I still am not sure if i'll let the world have access to it. Even though i actually have no readers here at all. And, with this second try, i got the chance to look at older texts that now, doesn't make a lot of sense to me. Still, i know what i felt at the time, i still relate to them (not everything written on them though). I wrote a lot about emptiness. I am still slowly realizing that this isn't something that all people feel and that, usually, people do not have onl...

 I just actually realized that the feeling of being empty is one of the most heavy feelings i've ever experienced.  Because, for me, it feels like i'm inside a cage, suffocating and being drained by all of my thoughts and other feelings that even though they feel minor at the moment, they still are there. But, i can't react to them.   i just can't react    Because i feel more empty than anything and they don't fell real at all. And honestly, as i heard in Deep End: " Throughout my life, deep inside i never felt alive" The good thing about it all, i think it is that i kinda became fearless to a lot of things and feelings that most people freak out for. Like the expectations of having a head on collision with your car and it actually CAN happen but it doesn't scare me at all.  Life will happen. And it doesn't matter what i do, what i feel, what i say, it will continue to happen in front of my eyes.   Even when i feel frozen inside my head.  ...