Emptiness is still really heavy and i hate it.

 I just actually realized that the feeling of being empty is one of the most heavy feelings i've ever experienced. 

Because, for me, it feels like i'm inside a cage, suffocating and being drained by all of my thoughts and other feelings that even though they feel minor at the moment, they still are there. But, i can't react to them. 

 i just can't react 

 

Because i feel more empty than anything and they don't fell real at all. And honestly, as i heard in Deep End: "Throughout my life, deep inside i never felt alive"

The good thing about it all, i think it is that i kinda became fearless to a lot of things and feelings that most people freak out for. Like the expectations of having a head on collision with your car and it actually CAN happen but it doesn't scare me at all. 

Life will happen. And it doesn't matter what i do, what i feel, what i say, it will continue to happen in front of my eyes.

 Even when i feel frozen inside my head. 

 And, if i could choose, i'd be a completely different person. I'd have made a lot of things differently than i made and i know i can't change it now and i try to not stress a lot but

 What if...? What would have happened?

At this point, i'm not sure if i want to stay with the feeling that i'll always be not much more than an ordinary person. I just can't admit that i'll be just so ordinary. i hate it so so so so so so much.

I want to do better. bigger. something more than "ordinary" 

But, i still am here. With emptiness being a feeling that i feel way more than i would ever think i could and afraid of everything that feels out of my control. And the funniest thing is that i don't have control over anything by now.        

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