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Adaptability.

 Adaptability is, certainly, one of the most commendable and useful skills a human may have throughout their life. Or my acquire throughout it. After all, it's even a part of adaptability to learn how to go through things, to know your limits - maybe desires too. Or even, protection from hostile environments. Whether it was chosen or not, sometimes we need to read the room so we actually survive (and thrive, albeit barely sometimes.) But I, in all my small experience as a (not too much of one) young adult, people who were supposed to make the journey easier are the first ones to mess things up. The first ones to show you that life isn't fair, the first ones to open wounds that you weren't supposed to have so early in your life.  And the worst part is that, sometimes, they don't seem to heal. Not fully, at least. Words thrown away carelessly that make marks that seem to glue into your very soul despite your best efforts to push it away. It feels like every single mechani...
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Mistake

 I've learnt to laugh in the face of my mistakes. Otherwise, i feel like i'd be constantly missing pieces of myself. Pieces i can't afford to lose. I've come to terms with myself that, my mistakes, always seems to be way bigger than they actually are. But chastising myself over it can be utterly foolish ( Even if i know that it'll be in my mind from the moment i commit it to an eternal forever) Well, as eternal as my memory can be. As eternal as my brain can do messy synapses but - it is doing its very best. Doing its very, very best with what it has been given that's far from enough or ideal. Props to myself, we're making it. barely. but there's always sun after the rain. I'm still waiting for my sun although i can kind of see it there. In the end of the line. There's still hope in the lack of big things happening. I swear it makes sense. Because, as long as i'm alive, nothing ended. And i can't ignore, can't try to think otherwise w...
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To believe (or not)

 믿다.   It means: "to believe" in Korean. And, it's also something I nurture a deep difficulty when it comes to actually doing it - especially when it comes to myself. Korean is one of the languages I started since the first day of my life. Since I actually discovered how much I loved languages back in 2020 and, one of those I'll probably never actually achieve fluency.  It's okay, I'm not that bitter about it (not anymore, at least). When I started writing this, back in October, i was still figuring out the fact I had extreme problems with executive dysfunction. Hey, hello ADHD! And that maybe that's why i won't achieve fluency in Korean. Maybe that's why I won't restart learning Finnish and, no pun intended, finish at least a single textbook in it. I still know how to count. Yksi, Kaksi, Kolme, Nelja, Viisi... or even 하나, 돌, 세, 네, 마섯. Counting up to 10, counting up to 5 and still never quite understanding the fact it was supposed to calm me do...
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My brain's a mess and im not sure if i want to deal with it.

Once upon a time, in one of those days I actually can't remember, I saw someone saying something that didn't feel real ( I didn't want to acknowledge it) and it was all about the fact that they say that "you are born an artist, you won't just become one." I think I'm kinda one of them. Honestly, there's nothing that i hate more than that.  But, in the end, this is not even what i want to talk about today. Because is the second day where I'm trying to write this text and I still am not sure if i'll let the world have access to it. Even though i actually have no readers here at all. And, with this second try, i got the chance to look at older texts that now, doesn't make a lot of sense to me. Still, i know what i felt at the time, i still relate to them (not everything written on them though). I wrote a lot about emptiness. I am still slowly realizing that this isn't something that all people feel and that, usually, people do not have onl...
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Emptiness is still really heavy and i hate it.

 I just actually realized that the feeling of being empty is one of the most heavy feelings i've ever experienced.  Because, for me, it feels like i'm inside a cage, suffocating and being drained by all of my thoughts and other feelings that even though they feel minor at the moment, they still are there. But, i can't react to them.   i just can't react    Because i feel more empty than anything and they don't fell real at all. And honestly, as i heard in Deep End: " Throughout my life, deep inside i never felt alive" The good thing about it all, i think it is that i kinda became fearless to a lot of things and feelings that most people freak out for. Like the expectations of having a head on collision with your car and it actually CAN happen but it doesn't scare me at all.  Life will happen. And it doesn't matter what i do, what i feel, what i say, it will continue to happen in front of my eyes.   Even when i feel frozen inside my head.  ...
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Dreams

I realized that things weren't easy when i perceived that dreams aren't for everyone. And there will always be people who'll be acting like you're the culprit and you're the one who just should've worked more to make your dreams come true.  But what do you do when you keep trying but still are not recognized at all? THIS is where we can see that things aren't, definitely, as smooth as people try to make us think it is.  Is almost like guilty tripping are their favorite way of showing that they think "you're good, but not enough so... do better" And, it gets me so bad like, the thing i love the most genuinely has the power to make me the saddest and the happiest person ever All at the same fucking time   And it makes me feel completely stunned but also, i hate it. I genuinely hate every time i need to get up and feel like i'm completely trapped and smashed by every thought about my dreams.   And the fact that i don't know if i'll ...
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Swallowing feelings and etc.

I started to write a million things, deleted another million of them too.  As Stray Kids made known: "Oddinary" We, as humans, are not made to be completely equal to each other. We're definitely not meant to just follow a equal path. We are not the same, we don't share stories (not completely) and, we're not supposed to have to be the same as a long distance cousin that seems to be doing better than us.  And, we need to address the thing where some people NEED to be freer than others.  And we should understand that there's nothing wrong with it At least, shouldn't.    And this is kinda why i think that "oddinary" is a good term to use. To people that need to adapt themselves even though they don't feel safe to do so, even when they don't like it, and mostly just because they're afraid of being completely swallowed if they show their TRUEself.  Because, i came to the conclusion that mostly choices we have in life are almost illusion-li...
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