Swallowing feelings and etc.

I started to write a million things, deleted another million of them too. 

As Stray Kids made known: "Oddinary"

We, as humans, are not made to be completely equal to each other. We're definitely not meant to just follow a equal path. We are not the same, we don't share stories (not completely) and, we're not supposed to have to be the same as a long distance cousin that seems to be doing better than us. 

And, we need to address the thing where some people NEED to be freer than others. 

And we should understand that there's nothing wrong with it

At least, shouldn't. 

 

And this is kinda why i think that "oddinary" is a good term to use. To people that need to adapt themselves even though they don't feel safe to do so, even when they don't like it, and mostly just because they're afraid of being completely swallowed if they show their TRUEself. 

Because, i came to the conclusion that mostly choices we have in life are almost illusion-like, most of the time. I mean, for some of us, at least.

There will always be people who give the choices, and people who will take those choices for themselves, and sometimes those choices won't be an actual choice besides being something completely biased.

 

Because there are choices that if you don't take the "right" one...

 

You will be fucked. 

 

As i mentioned before, most of the time we do things completely guided by fear.

The feeling of being swallowed by people if you don't follow the social cues, social "obligations" are, most of the time, almost paralyzing. 

But, the thing is: if you're not swallowed by people, you'll be swallowed by your own feelings. The feeling of being dislocated, not feeling safe, sound and happy in any of the places you seemed to choose by yourself. 

Because you never actually wanted that, and you knew it from the very first. Just... couldn't do it the way you wanted to. 

I remember a song where the guy says something like "Nothing were enough to kill the essence of a soul that were made to run away"

It's not exactly it but the idea is the same

Because, that's it. Even when you force yourself into this situation, you'll always be dominated by the fact that your brain, body, soul, just can't get conformed by the fact that you're doing that to yourself. When you think about it, you can understand that souls are made to be what they're made to be. In one way or another, you'll have to try and do exactly what you feel the need to. 

So you don't get swallowed by your own feelings. 

 

But we also have the fact that it's SO HARD to find a balance when it comes to that. Maybe it's all capitalism fault and i'm not even kidding. i swear to God, we can explain a lot in society with only "the fault is, for sure, on capitalism" 

 

I, genuinely, wish i could find the balance. And soon. Because i feel like i'm one of those unlucky ones who will have to stick to something that  will probably make me sad for the rest of my life, as i need to adapt to my reality, to the society that i live within it.

It's extremely, extremely painful to do so

But i feel like it's easier to deal with my feelings, as i can do it by myself, even when swallowing myself from the inside shouldn't even be an option.  

 

All because choices, sometimes, isn't completely mine. And it's easier to deal with it by myself than to deal with all people coming after me.

But, i believe that someday i'll be free from it all. In one way or another. 

At least i hope so.