My brain's a mess and im not sure if i want to deal with it.

Once upon a time, in one of those days I actually can't remember, I saw someone saying something that didn't feel real (I didn't want to acknowledge it) and it was all about the fact that they say that "you are born an artist, you won't just become one."

I think I'm kinda one of them. Honestly, there's nothing that i hate more than that. 

But, in the end, this is not even what i want to talk about today. Because is the second day where I'm trying to write this text and I still am not sure if i'll let the world have access to it. Even though i actually have no readers here at all.

And, with this second try, i got the chance to look at older texts that now, doesn't make a lot of sense to me. Still, i know what i felt at the time, i still relate to them (not everything written on them though).

I wrote a lot about emptiness. I am still slowly realizing that this isn't something that all people feel and that, usually, people do not have only a total of three emotions and doesn't actually know more than those three.

Most importantly, i realized that this wasn't exactly emptiness, but the feeling of not understanding my feelings and emotions, therefore, not being any near possible to give a name to them.

So, for me, we can say that I have three kinds of emotions:

Sadness. Happiness. Numb. Like some kind of error 404, the not found one.

Oh, I used to have anxiety too. But it feels like i kinda learned to manage it until it reached normal levels, so it doesn't affect me as much as it used to.

Read about Alexythimia. The name is pretty. Learned it can be comorbidity. Closed the page and stopped reading because "what i can't see can't affect me" but i know that having this much difficulty with feelings isn't exactly normal. But what can i say? This is the only state of mind I know of. 

Maybe one day i'll figure it out. I hope it starts soon because it's tiring as HELL to live like this.


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