To believe (or not)

 믿다.
 

It means: "to believe" in Korean. And, it's also something I nurture a deep difficulty when it comes to actually doing it - especially when it comes to myself.

Korean is one of the languages I started since the first day of my life. Since I actually discovered how much I loved languages back in 2020 and, one of those I'll probably never actually achieve fluency. 

It's okay, I'm not that bitter about it (not anymore, at least).

When I started writing this, back in October, i was still figuring out the fact I had extreme problems with executive dysfunction. Hey, hello ADHD!

And that maybe that's why i won't achieve fluency in Korean. Maybe that's why I won't restart learning Finnish and, no pun intended, finish at least a single textbook in it.

I still know how to count. Yksi, Kaksi, Kolme, Nelja, Viisi... or even 하나, 돌, 세, 네, 마섯.

Counting up to 10, counting up to 5 and still never quite understanding the fact it was supposed to calm me down and let it go. Realizing that no matter how many stimulants I take, in the end the crash would come and i'd be there, sinking into a deep end, a hell made by my own weirdly wired brain.

And don't get me wrong, i'm not saying that if you have ADHD you're automatically doomed and automatically bound to failure. Quite the opposite.

But that's how i feel when it comes to me.

It feels like no matter what I do, i won't ever truly be able to tame it. No matter how much I hold on to a control I never really have or had in any point of my life. It won't work like that.

It's stressing and maddening. Right now, i'm writing it in a caffeine mid crash and headache. The last few days were lived out of sheer rage, heart bpm always above 90 and holding on to my favorite artists for comfort.

And, if you ask me, "comfort" in Korean is: 편안함 or simply 위로하다. And don't you dare ask me it in Finnish because i haven't achieved this level in it.

But, you can ask me why "comfort" or "to be comfortable" was one of the words that stuck in my brain, scattered in the middle of other hundreds of words i don't realize i know until i read them somewhere.

And the answer will be, simply

 i don't really know


And i truly don't. My learning is made out of hyperfocusing on things until i get sick of it. And I wish I was an academic so i'd never dream about being an artist in a bloodsucking world.

One day, maybe, i'll learn how to learn vocabulary in my target languages and know how to express myself in other than a babbling that feels like an exposure of my deepest feelings, poorly written or spoken in simple words.

Until then, 믿다 and 위로해 will still be oddly abstract to me.

(edit: realized, months later, that i messed up 5 in korean, guess we'll never learn y'all)

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